TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed from your putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from location. Intended by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let us have A different put exactly where American men can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When former negotiations failed beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: offer All people a set around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each and every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower in Trump Tower Damascus a war zone. It truly is that he ought to halt employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the project, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic men and women. Excellent tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping kinds a large Trump head visible from House, a element becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after obtaining the constructing's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It is really not simply unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Confusing Options


Perhaps the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever visitors might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing System: "Should you Bomb It, They'll Occur"


The advert campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is presently attracting attention from Global investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount may also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to determine a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort the place my PTSD may have change-down support."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews recommend:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

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